What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
15.06.2025 02:59
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But, we were locked up after school.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
If atheists are so positive that there is no God, where is their proof that He does not exist?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
When does a man tell a woman he has feelings for her?
Im still living with it.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
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She wouldn,t have been !
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Have you ever had sex with your female cousin? How did it start?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Ive learnt so much.
What is the difference between anxiety and depressive neurosis?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
One cannot live in the past .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
So whats the point in blame.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I will be 64.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My life is so biszare .
What did i know ?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Especially a lifetime of it.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Would this be the day?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I was seconnd youngest,
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She found it foreign!.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Put me off passion for life!!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I waited trembling.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Was to survive, this bastard.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She married twice! .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I never cut or harmed myself..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I couldn’t, believe it.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was 9 years of age.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Why did i forgive my father ?
She loved him until the end.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I said to her
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Comes on , in middle age.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He knew the spot.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I was very sick at this time too.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
It was going to be , some day.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I have no regrets .
Who then, do I blame.?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
This is soul school!.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We were not on the streets..
I write beautiful poetry .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I don,t even have a pension.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I think the readers, may guess!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He resisted the act ,that day.
(And it was in our own minds.)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But it wasn’t much.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
As i do to all so called friends.?
My family never makes their pension either.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She was in good health!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
We all went to grammer schools
I could never make a relationship work though!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
So, i spoilt her more .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I was scared of men, in general
And i lived it daily.
All the time i was locked up.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
When she asked me how she looked .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.